Well, I didn't update yesterday because I was busy, but to make up for it I've got the longest and final chapter. Tell my tale to the world, because I told it to you and I'm tired of everyone asking to hear my story when I tell them I have a story to tell them.
The Great Logging Adventure, Part the Last
Based on a true story
Recap: [stupid joke in which I insult you for being lazy and forgetful]
From behind his back, the bear pulled a smoke bomb! I leaped into the air, hatchet ready to strike it, but I didn't connect. When the smoke cleared the bear was gone, as was Xavier Sidious. I sighed and searched the room for the hidden button, and wasn't surprised to find one of the bricks responded to my touch. I pressed it fully, and the hidden door at the back of the room slid open. Inside, Xavier Sidious was preparing to fly out of a skylight to freedom on a jetpack!
I quickly, and painfully, extracted the hunting rifle from my rectum, and took aim. The stench made me pull back, though, and my adversary began soaring towards the skylight. I fired as best I could from the hip, narrowly grazing his leg, when finally a shot connected with the jetpack, and it exploded as the fuel inside ignited. Finally, the bastard was gone! Never to terrorized the Earth with his philanthropic rampages again.
Or so I thought. I grabbed a spare jetpack from the jetpack locker (I shudder to imagine the thought of his cyborg bears should they have ever been given the gift of flight) and gracefully floated through the skylight. I was confused as I entered the darkness of the forest; had our battle taken an entire day? Or had I wandered around in the dark corridor for longer than previously thought?
My answer came as the sun reappeared from behind a cloud- it was still low in the East. Then it hit me: Xavier Sidious' zeppelin! It exuded cloud-like puffs of smoke to provide cover from anti-air fire, the crafty devil. He had probably called it here to pick him up, unaware that he would be dead soon. I began dancing victoriously, when I heard a great rumble, before a voice from beyond the smoke.
"I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Ssssslate!" he said, like a German snake. Suddenly the belly of the beast poked through the smoke, and on its sides were giant gatling cannons! I blasted off in my jetpack just in time to see the ground under me erupt as millions of bullets tore into it. Against the light tan canvas of the airship I could see a brown speck. As I got closer, it got clearer, until I could clearly make out the form of a bear, hanging precariously from the airship's exterior by its claw.
I hurriedly sped towards it, intent on saving the noble creature, bionic freak or not. At first it swatted at me with its free claw, but after the thin cloth gave way a bit and it plummetted a few inches it was too preoccupied to mind me as I flew in and latched onto it. I performed a dangerous maneuver, strapping the jetpack to his stomach (this probably looked a bit like man-on-bear-on-zeppelin action, and I can't honestly say that it didn't turn me on), and then gave him a tug away from the airship.
His claw came loose, and we fell for a few panicked seconds before the bear pulled up, and I realized I was mounted on a flying bear. I now fondly regard this as the high point of my life. At the time, though, there was not a moment for thinking. The bear brought us in close to the balloon, and I chopped ineffectually at the skin with my hatchet, until I realized that the supports were thin enough to cut through.
I hacked through the skeletal structure like a long, thin tree, and in moments the airship was barely afloat. The bear brought us down to the driver's cabin and haphazrdly crashed through the large front window. He contined through and out the back wall, but I was knocked from his back. I barely managed to grab the edge of the window pane, and pulled myself up with my manly Lumberjack strength. Inside, Xavier Sidious stood, an angry look on his face. Also, he apparently wasn't dead, because he was blinking and breathing.
"So, Grizzly, I see you're still alive." he said. He was twirling his mustache, except he didn't have one, so it was sort of like he was tweaking an imaginary nipple on his face.
"I might say the same about you." I said, cool and not giggling at his nipple-tweaking.
"Why are you giggling?" he asked for some reason, "Bah! It doesn't matter." Realizing he had missed a great one-liner opportunity, he added "Oh... eh, I guess you'll die laughing!"
I didn't have my hatchet, so I punched him in the face, which put a stop to his stupid mustache-twirling. He hit the floor with an 'oomph', and then smiled as he produced a small panel with a button on it from his pocket.
"Goodbye, Slate!" he shouted as he pressed the button. I could have kicked the button out of his hands but I was kind of curious and, to be honest, I didn't want to embaress the guy. He had already died once today, so I figured he wouldn't kill himself, but lo and behold, the airship exploded. At first I thought I had died and I was in Hell because it was so hot, but then I realized I was still alive as the flames died away behind me.
I felt a strange sensation, and I realized what it was when I turned around to face the ground- I was falling. I figured I was dead, and I wrote a will in my head, but I realized no one would be able to read it so instead I remembered the awesome moments, like the time I attacked a zeppelin on a bear with a jetpack.
Suddenly something collided with me, and I thought I was in heaven for a second because all I could feel was soft and fuzzy, but then I realized I was still alive as the earth began to grow far again. The bear had rescued me!
We soared around in the air for awhile, cherishing the moment, before we landed. I patted him on the head and he licked my face, and for a second I contemplated licking his face back and seeing if he (or she) was just being formal, or was propositioning me, but I figured bear-human sex might be dangerous. I think they bite off each other's heads afterwards or something.
After we parted for the last time, I found my way back to the mighty Cedar I had felled, only to find it gone! In the snow was my axe, with a small note taped on.
Dear Grizzly,
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have outwitted you again. I look forward to our next duel, and while it would probably be wise if I led you to believe that I was indeed dead so that you wouldn't meddle in my evil charitable ventures any further, it wouldn't be very villainy if I did that, so I'm alive and well!
I wondered how he had survived both the jetpack and airship explosions, but I saw the answer at the bottom of the note.
P.S. Those were just holograms that you killed. Like I said before I'm alive and nothing has changed, etcetera, I have to go bake some evil pies for some orphans.
I flung my arms into the air, fell to my knees, and cursed the heavens for robbing me of my mighty catch. Then I stood up and chopped down a different tree, and when I got home I told everyone about it on my bLog.
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment