How I yearn for the forests of olde

Okay, I really want to pad out this blog a bit, seeing as I have only one other post so far, so I figured I'd write down a bunch of random words and hope that anyone who did a google search for any of those things would get my page.

Then I realized that it might not work like that and so I got out my 'Retarded' stamp and went to town (I do not actually have a 'Retarded' stamp).

So I figure'd I'd tell you guys about the America's best doughnuts, but those fuckers at Yahoo! stole my thoughts (psychically) and then went back in time and wrote the article before I had the idea, so I'll just talk about logging.

The Great Forests of North America

A non-fiction historic tale, retold by me

I love logging. It's what we Lumberjacks do, and being a Lumberjack without knowing logging is like being an edgy hipster college student and not knowing Che Guevara.

There once was a time when America was completely enveloped in trees of all sizes. Giants, like the mighty Redwood, delicate ones like the Larch. The native americans were celebrated loggers, and cut down every tree they saw. They completely decimated the ecosystem, and they also ate and sodomized each other (not in that order). Also they were really fat. When the first Europeans arrived, bearing gifts and knowledge and dietary supplements, what did the natives do? They threatened to cut down all their trees for a reasonable sum! The bastards!

Now, being a logger myself, it seems that if either of these parties should appeal, it should be the natives. But, contrary to the name, logging is not just about chopping down trees. It is about cultivating nature by dominating it. Yes, we cut them down, but then we plant houses and malls so that all the people have places to live and can be civilized (I've never seen a civilized person who lived more than 50 miles from a mall) and ensuring that nature knows that we are its masters.

So we should celebrate our European ancestors for fighting those barbarians who frolicked and did gay stuff with nature. Had they let the Natives accomplish their vile plots, where would we be? We wouldn't be, because we would have all been strangled in our sleep by vines, or eaten by Venus man-traps! There would be nary a mall or a Taco Bell in sight! Can you imagine a world without delicious authentic Mexican cuisine, prepared quickly and sold at low, low prices?

I shudder at the thought.