Guy

Sorry, guy that read my blog one time, I'm not going to be doing that stupid Fallout 3 thing I was going to do. I'll hold off on doing any real work on this blog for awhile, because it just makes me not post.

Hey, Chinese New Year, for one thing. That's always good. I am a monkey according to their zodiac, which put me off at first, but then I found out that everyone was an animal. That means that the Chinese think I among the smartest people, which is, like, totally sweet.

I'm off to do some lumberjacking for a bit.

More Logging (with some adventure thrown in)

Well, I didn't update yesterday because I was busy, but to make up for it I've got the longest and final chapter. Tell my tale to the world, because I told it to you and I'm tired of everyone asking to hear my story when I tell them I have a story to tell them.

The Great Logging Adventure, Part the Last

Based on a true story

Recap:  [stupid joke in which I insult you for being lazy and forgetful]

From behind his back, the bear pulled a smoke bomb! I leaped into the air, hatchet ready to strike it, but I didn't connect. When the smoke cleared the bear was gone, as was Xavier Sidious. I sighed and searched the room for the hidden button, and wasn't surprised to find one of the bricks responded to my touch. I pressed it fully, and the hidden door at the back of the room slid open. Inside, Xavier Sidious was preparing to fly out of a skylight to freedom on a jetpack!

I quickly, and painfully, extracted the hunting rifle from my rectum, and took aim. The stench made me pull back, though, and my adversary began soaring towards the skylight. I fired as best I could from the hip, narrowly grazing his leg, when finally a shot connected with the jetpack, and it exploded as the fuel inside ignited. Finally, the bastard was gone! Never to terrorized the Earth with his philanthropic rampages again.

Or so I thought. I grabbed a spare jetpack from the jetpack locker (I shudder to imagine the thought of his cyborg bears should they have ever been given the gift of flight) and gracefully floated through the skylight. I was confused as I entered the darkness of the forest; had our battle taken an entire day? Or had I wandered around in the dark corridor for longer than previously thought?

My answer came as the sun reappeared from behind a cloud- it was still low in the East. Then it hit me: Xavier Sidious' zeppelin! It exuded cloud-like puffs of smoke to provide cover from anti-air fire, the crafty devil. He had probably called it here to pick him up, unaware that he would be dead soon. I began dancing victoriously, when I heard a great rumble, before a voice from beyond the smoke.

"I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Ssssslate!" he said, like a German snake. Suddenly the belly of the beast poked through the smoke, and on its sides were giant gatling cannons! I blasted off in my jetpack just in time to see the ground under me erupt as millions of bullets tore into it. Against the light tan canvas of the airship I could see a brown speck. As I got closer, it got clearer, until I could clearly make out the form of a bear, hanging precariously from the airship's exterior by its claw.

I hurriedly sped towards it, intent on saving the noble creature, bionic freak or not. At first it swatted at me with its free claw, but after the thin cloth gave way a bit and it plummetted a few inches it was too preoccupied to mind me as I flew in and latched onto it. I performed a dangerous maneuver, strapping the jetpack to his stomach (this probably looked a bit like man-on-bear-on-zeppelin action, and I can't honestly say that it didn't turn me on), and then gave him a tug away from the airship.

His claw came loose, and we fell for a few panicked seconds before the bear pulled up, and I realized I was mounted on a flying bear. I now fondly regard this as the high point of my life. At the time, though, there was not a moment for thinking. The bear brought us in close to the balloon, and I chopped ineffectually at the skin with my hatchet, until I realized that the supports were thin enough to cut through.

I hacked through the skeletal structure like a long, thin tree, and in moments the airship was barely afloat. The bear brought us down to the driver's cabin and haphazrdly crashed through the large front window. He contined through and out the back wall, but I was knocked from his back. I barely managed to grab the edge of the window pane, and pulled myself up with my manly Lumberjack strength. Inside, Xavier Sidious stood, an angry look on his face. Also, he apparently wasn't dead, because he was blinking and breathing.

"So, Grizzly, I see you're still alive." he said. He was twirling his mustache, except he didn't have one, so it was sort of like he was tweaking an imaginary nipple on his face.

"I might say the same about you." I said, cool and not giggling at his nipple-tweaking.

"Why are you giggling?" he asked for some reason, "Bah! It doesn't matter." Realizing he had missed a great one-liner opportunity, he added "Oh... eh, I guess you'll die laughing!"

I didn't have my hatchet, so I punched him in the face, which put a stop to his stupid mustache-twirling. He hit the floor with an 'oomph', and then smiled as he produced a small panel with a button on it from his pocket.

"Goodbye, Slate!" he shouted as he pressed the button. I could have kicked the button out of his hands but I was kind of curious and, to be honest, I didn't want to embaress the guy. He had already died once today, so I figured he wouldn't kill himself, but lo and behold, the airship exploded. At first I thought I had died and I was in Hell because it was so hot, but then I realized I was still alive as the flames died away behind me.

I felt a strange sensation, and I realized what it was when I turned around to face the ground- I was falling. I figured I was dead, and I wrote a will in my head, but I realized no one would be able to read it so instead I remembered the awesome moments, like the time I attacked a zeppelin on a bear with a jetpack.

Suddenly something collided with me, and I thought I was in heaven for a second because all I could feel was soft and fuzzy, but then I realized I was still alive as the earth began to grow far again. The bear had rescued me!

We soared around in the air for awhile, cherishing the moment, before we landed. I patted him on the head and he licked my face, and for a second I contemplated licking his face back and seeing if he (or she) was just being formal, or was propositioning me, but I figured bear-human sex might be dangerous. I think they bite off each other's heads afterwards or something.

After we parted for the last time, I found my way back to the mighty Cedar I had felled, only to find it gone! In the snow was my axe, with a small note taped on.

Dear Grizzly, 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have outwitted you again. I look forward to our next duel, and while it would probably be wise if I led you to believe that I was indeed dead so that you wouldn't meddle in my evil charitable ventures any further, it wouldn't be very villainy if I did that, so I'm alive and well!

I wondered how he had survived both the jetpack and airship explosions, but I saw the answer at the bottom of the note.

P.S. Those were just holograms that you killed. Like I said before I'm alive and nothing has changed, etcetera, I have to go bake some evil pies for some orphans.

I flung my arms into the air, fell to my knees, and cursed the heavens for robbing me of my mighty catch. Then I stood up and chopped down a different tree, and when I got home I told everyone about it on my bLog.

THE END

Further Adventure (prominently featuring logging)

Well I just got back from seeing Gran Torino today, and it was a good movie. Clint Eastwood needs to star in an action movie where he growls his enemies to death.

The Great Logging Adventure,  Part the Third

As told by Charles Dickens. Nah, just kidding.

Recap: I was in the woods and some stuff happened and then I found this thing.

I looked under the trapdoor and saw a pit. A deep pit, and since the sun was just beginning to climb above the trees, I couldn't see what was inside. I contemplated shouting down to see if there was anyone in it, but then I realized that that was a stupid idea. Instead, I slowly lowered myself in and then let go because how deep could it really be?

It could be very deep, which it was. Were it nor for my great Lumberjack fortitude, I might have broken an ankle or perhaps my bedroom performance might be poorer (Ladies, I am available), but it would have taken a much deeper pit to stop me.

I stumbled around in the darkness for a few moments, until I stopped hitting a wall and realized I was in some type of corrider. I tripped over something soft and hairy, but I couldn't find it again after I returned to my feet. Stalwart, I continued in the general direction I figured I had been heading in.

I turned a corner, and was bathed in a dim green flourescent light. It was spilling through a doorway at the end of the corrider. Inside the room I heard the whir of a buzzsaw and the tear-inducing whinny of an innocent woodland creature (one of the only things that can bring a Lumberjack to tears), this one of a bear. A single tear slid down my cheek.

I tightly gripped my hatchet and charged into the room, because fuck stealth. Inside were horrors too horrific to describe, so I won't, but believe me, they were freaky (You must be so creeped out right now).

"We meet again, Grizzly Slate!" He said like a Bond Villain. "I see you're still growing that disgusting face-mat. I don't suppose you've dropped the fake American accent?" (for the sake of story-telling imagine that I am Liam Neeson, but with a rugged beard and a completely authentic American accent).

"Doctor Xavier Sidious? I should have suspected." I said in my deep, sultry, manly voice. "How long do you expect your... creations...." I gestured to the horrific things around the room (seriously creepy shit you don't even wanna' know) ,"To let you torture them before they turn on you? Have you gone mad?"

"I don't know." he said, in his unmistakably german accent (he is a nazi, I'm pretty sure I mentioned it) "I don't keep my pets for very long. After I have made sure they are sufficient killing machines, I sell them to the highest bidder! Soon men will no longer have to die for the petty wims of mad politicians! By sacrificing a few bears, I will save countless human lives, and hopefully make enough money to finance further philanthropic causes!" he said, very evil-ly.

"Not if I can help it." I said, and sprang into action. Before I could chop his evil head off with my trusty hatchet, I heard a heavy growling behind me, and turned to find the bear I had encountered in the forest, and tripped over on the way to Dr. Sidious' lair!

Also suddenly, the bear revealed a hidden weapon. He had been hiding, behind his back the entire time, a-

CLIFFHANGER

More Logging Adventure

Apparently, as a result of that BART shooting I was talking about in that first bLog post, some people in California are rioting. Because nothing brings people of different races together like lots of mindless violence aimed at innocent people.

Before I bore you to death on my opinion of that whole shlock, here's the second part of my epic tale that happened like 2 days ago.

The Great Logging Adventure, Part the Second

Still being told by me

Recap: Read the first part, you lazy fuck

I turned, and saw, towering over me, a giant bear. I was unphased at first, having wrestled down my fair share of the hairy beasts, but this one was different. Perhaps it was the color of his claws, or the way his eye glowed red, or maybe it was the way half of his face was gone, replaced with a steel bionic eye and jaw. Looking back, I think it was the claws.

Suddenly he swiped at me, and I moved toward him to avoid the 5 foot long bony protrusions sticking out of his hand (by bony protrustions I don't mean boners, although that would be pretty sweet). While I avoided a nasty decapitation, I didn't avoid a hard blow to my rugged, manly chest, and I was flung a good 10 feet to the side. I remained motionless, and the bear strode up.

I held my breath, praying he didn't have heat vision in his bionic eye. He nudged me with his nose, let out a roar that I feared was a precursor to a meal, then walked away. I quickly rose and followed him as closely as I safely could. Had he somehow grown a bionic implant, or had some madman turned him into a cyborg killing machine?

I contemplated forgetting the bear or trying to retrieve my axe before giving chase, but I knew that by now it would have been firmly cemented in the tree. I still had my hatchet at my side, as well as the large hunting rifle I had cleverly hidden in my ass.

For many hours I followed the bionic bear, waiting when it stopped, and having to hide behind trees quite a few times when the beast deined to take a peak back, praying that the trees didn't detect any danger from me and leap out of the way. Thankfully, non did.

Finally, after a particularly long stretch of walking followed by a rapid sprint, the bear turned one more time, peered around, and then seemed to sink into the ground. I raced to where he had been only moments before, but it seemed the titan had vanished. I jabbed the handle of my axe into the snow where the tracks disappeared, and was met with some kind of barrier. I swept the snow away, and saw a large wooden trap door under my feet. I hadn't seen the bear trigger any switch or press a button, so I jumped up and down on the door hoping to break it. Then I remembered I had a hatchet in my hand and quickly began swinging at it.

The wood was thick but I was thicker (I'm talking about my penis). Through perseverance I cut through it, and lowered myself onto my stomach to get a better view of what lay inside. I was shocked to find that under the trapdoor was a

CLIFFHANGER

The Great Logging Adventure

Dear friends, the other day, whilst logging (which any lumberjack such as myself is wont to do), an extraordinary thing happened to me. I will try to explain now what it was, although, to be honest, even now I'm not entirely sure of what all transpired.

The Great Logging Adventure, Part the First

A true story

The sun slowly grew, towering over the great forests of... let's say Dongland (Names are changed for the sake of storytelling). Thick coats of snow melted into slow rivers and shallow ponds only to be licked up by the thirsty tongues of cute woodland creatures. Silently the early birds got their worms and the deer pranced around and taught the rabbits the tenets of witchcraft and satan-worship.

I silently stalked my prey- a mighty Cedar, coated in ice from the frozen morning dew. I hid behind a nearby Pine and waited until it turned its gargantuan wooden back. I heard a chitter, and looked to see if I had, perhaps, caught the Cedar at its mealtime, but it stood still as a rock. A small squirrel was eating a nut high up in its bows, and I contemplated making a pun. I am above, that, however, and reconsidered.

A shiver swept up my spine and I felt eyes upon me- the Cedar had spotted me! With as much gusto as I could muster, I let out a fierce battlecry and swung my axe at its vulnerable spot (you know, that one spot). The blow connected, and the giant stood motionless as the life drained from its frozen carcass.

I sighed in relief and took a step back, my axe still deeply embedded in its trunk, right in its vulnerable section, and marveled. She was a beauty. I found myself whistling that thing you whistle when you see something impressive.

After a moment of quiet reverence for the mighty beast I had just brutally murdered, I went about taking the ice off its bark. Happily I went about the arduous process, whistling a cheery tune taught to me by my grandfather (The song was 'Just Want to Play Videogames', a song passed down the generations from our German ancestors), when suddenly a shadow loomed over me. I spun around at the sound of menacing growling, and there I saw a...

CLIFFHANGER

How I yearn for the forests of olde

Okay, I really want to pad out this blog a bit, seeing as I have only one other post so far, so I figured I'd write down a bunch of random words and hope that anyone who did a google search for any of those things would get my page.

Then I realized that it might not work like that and so I got out my 'Retarded' stamp and went to town (I do not actually have a 'Retarded' stamp).

So I figure'd I'd tell you guys about the America's best doughnuts, but those fuckers at Yahoo! stole my thoughts (psychically) and then went back in time and wrote the article before I had the idea, so I'll just talk about logging.

The Great Forests of North America

A non-fiction historic tale, retold by me

I love logging. It's what we Lumberjacks do, and being a Lumberjack without knowing logging is like being an edgy hipster college student and not knowing Che Guevara.

There once was a time when America was completely enveloped in trees of all sizes. Giants, like the mighty Redwood, delicate ones like the Larch. The native americans were celebrated loggers, and cut down every tree they saw. They completely decimated the ecosystem, and they also ate and sodomized each other (not in that order). Also they were really fat. When the first Europeans arrived, bearing gifts and knowledge and dietary supplements, what did the natives do? They threatened to cut down all their trees for a reasonable sum! The bastards!

Now, being a logger myself, it seems that if either of these parties should appeal, it should be the natives. But, contrary to the name, logging is not just about chopping down trees. It is about cultivating nature by dominating it. Yes, we cut them down, but then we plant houses and malls so that all the people have places to live and can be civilized (I've never seen a civilized person who lived more than 50 miles from a mall) and ensuring that nature knows that we are its masters.

So we should celebrate our European ancestors for fighting those barbarians who frolicked and did gay stuff with nature. Had they let the Natives accomplish their vile plots, where would we be? We wouldn't be, because we would have all been strangled in our sleep by vines, or eaten by Venus man-traps! There would be nary a mall or a Taco Bell in sight! Can you imagine a world without delicious authentic Mexican cuisine, prepared quickly and sold at low, low prices?

I shudder at the thought.