More Logging Adventure

Apparently, as a result of that BART shooting I was talking about in that first bLog post, some people in California are rioting. Because nothing brings people of different races together like lots of mindless violence aimed at innocent people.

Before I bore you to death on my opinion of that whole shlock, here's the second part of my epic tale that happened like 2 days ago.

The Great Logging Adventure, Part the Second

Still being told by me

Recap: Read the first part, you lazy fuck

I turned, and saw, towering over me, a giant bear. I was unphased at first, having wrestled down my fair share of the hairy beasts, but this one was different. Perhaps it was the color of his claws, or the way his eye glowed red, or maybe it was the way half of his face was gone, replaced with a steel bionic eye and jaw. Looking back, I think it was the claws.

Suddenly he swiped at me, and I moved toward him to avoid the 5 foot long bony protrusions sticking out of his hand (by bony protrustions I don't mean boners, although that would be pretty sweet). While I avoided a nasty decapitation, I didn't avoid a hard blow to my rugged, manly chest, and I was flung a good 10 feet to the side. I remained motionless, and the bear strode up.

I held my breath, praying he didn't have heat vision in his bionic eye. He nudged me with his nose, let out a roar that I feared was a precursor to a meal, then walked away. I quickly rose and followed him as closely as I safely could. Had he somehow grown a bionic implant, or had some madman turned him into a cyborg killing machine?

I contemplated forgetting the bear or trying to retrieve my axe before giving chase, but I knew that by now it would have been firmly cemented in the tree. I still had my hatchet at my side, as well as the large hunting rifle I had cleverly hidden in my ass.

For many hours I followed the bionic bear, waiting when it stopped, and having to hide behind trees quite a few times when the beast deined to take a peak back, praying that the trees didn't detect any danger from me and leap out of the way. Thankfully, non did.

Finally, after a particularly long stretch of walking followed by a rapid sprint, the bear turned one more time, peered around, and then seemed to sink into the ground. I raced to where he had been only moments before, but it seemed the titan had vanished. I jabbed the handle of my axe into the snow where the tracks disappeared, and was met with some kind of barrier. I swept the snow away, and saw a large wooden trap door under my feet. I hadn't seen the bear trigger any switch or press a button, so I jumped up and down on the door hoping to break it. Then I remembered I had a hatchet in my hand and quickly began swinging at it.

The wood was thick but I was thicker (I'm talking about my penis). Through perseverance I cut through it, and lowered myself onto my stomach to get a better view of what lay inside. I was shocked to find that under the trapdoor was a

CLIFFHANGER

The Great Logging Adventure

Dear friends, the other day, whilst logging (which any lumberjack such as myself is wont to do), an extraordinary thing happened to me. I will try to explain now what it was, although, to be honest, even now I'm not entirely sure of what all transpired.

The Great Logging Adventure, Part the First

A true story

The sun slowly grew, towering over the great forests of... let's say Dongland (Names are changed for the sake of storytelling). Thick coats of snow melted into slow rivers and shallow ponds only to be licked up by the thirsty tongues of cute woodland creatures. Silently the early birds got their worms and the deer pranced around and taught the rabbits the tenets of witchcraft and satan-worship.

I silently stalked my prey- a mighty Cedar, coated in ice from the frozen morning dew. I hid behind a nearby Pine and waited until it turned its gargantuan wooden back. I heard a chitter, and looked to see if I had, perhaps, caught the Cedar at its mealtime, but it stood still as a rock. A small squirrel was eating a nut high up in its bows, and I contemplated making a pun. I am above, that, however, and reconsidered.

A shiver swept up my spine and I felt eyes upon me- the Cedar had spotted me! With as much gusto as I could muster, I let out a fierce battlecry and swung my axe at its vulnerable spot (you know, that one spot). The blow connected, and the giant stood motionless as the life drained from its frozen carcass.

I sighed in relief and took a step back, my axe still deeply embedded in its trunk, right in its vulnerable section, and marveled. She was a beauty. I found myself whistling that thing you whistle when you see something impressive.

After a moment of quiet reverence for the mighty beast I had just brutally murdered, I went about taking the ice off its bark. Happily I went about the arduous process, whistling a cheery tune taught to me by my grandfather (The song was 'Just Want to Play Videogames', a song passed down the generations from our German ancestors), when suddenly a shadow loomed over me. I spun around at the sound of menacing growling, and there I saw a...

CLIFFHANGER